i bleed my heart out for you

[mayday]

this is me ranting. we all know about the austin x lexi drama but i need to rant. im sorry. this is kinda graphic sorry...


i love you. but do you love me back? im dying here because you won't let me say what i want to because your not listening. i caught you in a lie, so you run with your tail between your legs.

you said you wanted to marry me, i said i wanted to have your babies. im 15, you're 17. for your birthday i made your brownies. for valentines day i made you a card and took your virginity. i was always there for you when your mom kicked you out. my dad picked you up that one day, i was late to class to talk to him to ask him to get you off the streets, and he did. when i got kicked out, you told you couldn't do anything and that you were sorry.

you told me that you werent like jon, and you weren't like josh. but in my eyes your no different then them. jon by breaking my heart without talking to me before breaking up with me. and by josh and having no balls to stand up for me and yourself and our relationship. i broke up with josh because he had no balls for anything, and i thought you were different. i broke the code, you broke the code by dating you best friend's ex, and i broke the code by dating my ex's best friend but i didnt care because i love you when i was dating josh.

you claim your better and your not like them, but to me you are. nathan told jon i was cheating on him, so he dumped me without even talking to me. i TRIED to talk to you but you wouldnt answer me. i didnt want this to happen... i was going through a rough spot and you decieved me...

i love you... for some odd reason. my heart still wants you. i love you austin... more than anything in the world and you turned your back on me.

[mayday]

when a heart breaks it don't break even. what am i gonna do if the best thing about me was always you?
-The script breakeven

I dont know what i did to him. i dont know what went wrong. did he find someone new? did i bore him? i thought he loved me because i love him. i love him so much its unbearable. i love my boyfriend, my fiance, my lover, my soul mate, my bestfriend and my brother (his brother shaun). i lost my friends, i have no one anymore. no one. i hung out with austin and shaun every single day, they were all i knew and it got ripped away from me with me kicking and screaming.

i was going through a hard time, i was grounded and couldn't talk to him for more then ten minutes a day. maybe he couldnt take my insucurities, maybe sam talked to him, because she doesn't like me maybe she told him something about me that wasn't true.. maybe he just never loved me and used to me to get high and just have sex with me.

would i take you back? in a heartbeat,. would i hold you in my arms, tell you i love you and competely forget what happened? yus. i would but my insucrities would still be strong. because would i be able to trust you? i dont know. do i WANT to trust you? Yes. did i want to let you go? no. did i want to freak on you? no. did i want you to hang up on me when i caught you in your lie? no. did i want to catch you in your lie? no. Do i love you? yes. Do you love me? I don't know anymore. Do i want to be with you? yes. Do you want to be with me? I'm not sure. Do i miss you? Yes. do you miss me? Honestly have no clue.

i let you inside of my heart, inside of my world, inside of my eyes. i showed you what i knew, and you showed me what you knew. but you promised me the world, and i gave you the world. i gave you my everything, i was loyal to you, even how hard my flirtyness attutide that i have- which i controlled when i was with you. i didnt touch or think about another guy in a sexual way at all- even though i had guys throwing themselves at me left and right.

when you said 'melody likes me, and she said a lot of other girls like me'.. that scared me. it terrified me. i was afraid from the start that you were with her... from the sounds of what your doing to me, you are. but thats just what my gut feeling tells me. i thought i was stronger than this. i thought i knew i was stronger than this, but when someone knocks you down so much and just kicks you repeadily when your down, it hurts, it burns, it stings. my heart hurts for him, my mind aches to know what happened.

tuesday, everything was fine, we talked. you told me that you loved me. (i think honestly i don't remember but i believe you did) and i told you that i love you too. and we hung up. i called you wenesday, and it all broke lose. im thinking of taking out my lip ring, because it reminds me to much of you and the memories of us. its hard for me to walk in my room, too much memories. i could only imangine what you must feel in your room, where more memoires were made then my room.

all i know is that i love you....